Sunday, September 23, 2007

About 40 Years Too Late

It's funny how a city's past accomplishments can over shadow it's present. This is of course the case in NY in so many ways, but NY is so fast paced, that the past is usually trampled, and new things are popping up all over the place in every concievable front. For the most part, I feel NYs already peaked, but who knows. I could be wrong.

Being here in SF, however, I constantly am aware of this spector of the '60's and especially seeing video from that time, I feel as though I am 40 years too late in coming here. Let's hope we can change that soon.

When a person does drugs in order to escape reality, which is likely the majority of users in the modern world, it is an unfortunate thing, and not something to be condoned. It is of course understandable, however it is not productive. When a person uses drugs in order to gain a deeper insight into the nature of reality, this can be a very productive thing.
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I hope to have an apartment set up very soon. Once I am settled, my plan is to start exploring more of the city, especially those sights and activities which are free; the Sea Lions, the MoMA, the park, etc. I'm so sick of going to open houses. I'm a pretty reserved person, plus I am super busy with applications and school and stuff, and I feel as though I am falling behind. Since I've started working again especially, I feel as though I don't have the energy to do the things I'd liket to/need to do. The old me, the me who took at least 20 or more credits per semester, who worked 35+ hours a week, who balanced an active social life and long time girlfriend with road trips, intense school work and a fulltime job would kick this me's ass. I don't know how I did it back then. I'm really stressing about all these apps. I want to apply to grad school, as well as have some other options in place, but all the deadlines seem to be coming up. I think I may need another year to prepare for grad school.
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I can feel the past tugging on me in many ways. The longer I exist here without putting down roots, the harder it becomes to escape, as old friends, acquaintances, and experiences are constantly on my mind. I have been dreaming a lot of home, and of people from my past, such as my Grandmother, and it only confirms my prior statement.
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Andall this new responsibility, finding a place, paying for everything, juggling all my deadlines, work, etc, has really driven home the fact that I’m not in college anymore. It’s been a while. Not that I’ve ever been the typical student, having worked very hard for so long. Part of me wishes Saturday nights could be what they seem to be for others, a night to party and go out, not to sit in a coffee shop typing up proposals for a research grant.

Which reminds me, I need to get back to drafting up that proposal.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Self-Imposed Exile

I am not an ex-pat. (I'm in the same country.) I am not a refugee, or an emigre, or a transient even, I am not on vacation. I have forced this exile on myself, knowing I would return gloriously at some point. I needed to escape from the mundane in Westchester, at Purchase, but I feel like my routine here is beyond mundane. I miss th excitement of my life in NY. Then again, I need to force myself to growup and confront reality, don't I?

I can't answer that. But I do know this;

It’s only defeat/failure if I see it as such.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

commiting to something just for the sake of committing is... good/bad/a necessary evil?

The crackheads here are not all as loveable as Tyrone Biggums, but they have their charm, I suppose, their own character. There is one guy for instance, I’ve seen him twice in the same spot. He has the characteristic whiteness around the mouth, telltale sign for sure. He stands at the bottom of the stairs leading to the Muni/BART station at Civic Center, playing the violin. But, well, he clearly has no clue how to actually play, but he is so intense and serious, so committed. He even has a stand set up, with music on it. Once I have a few bucks I think I’m going to go and interview him, bring my tape player. Someone probably beat me to it, but man, there’s got to be a story in that. I think I’ll do that tomorrow actually. And wait until I post that video, this guy is pretty funny.

Anyway, kinda had an anxiety attack yesterday. Not sure what to do. I got so frustrated in class yesterday debating big issues in global political economy, and now, I dunno, I guess I'm not sure if I want to commit to grad school. I'll always be stressed. I want to do something to help people, so I guess if I can work for development, or import/export, with an MA in IR it could work. I dunno.

This year has been one of admitting to myself that re-thinking, re-analyzing, re-adjusting, re-orienting, re-evaluating my plans is not giving up, is not quitting. I left Starbucks, I stayed in New York, Lex and I broke up, I came home early from Europe, I came to San Francisco. So, then, would staying here just for the sake of committing to something be intelligent? Would going home be giving in? I'm not ready to give in yet, but I am getting weary in this job/apt hunt, and these classes aren't enough to keep me here. Let's hope it falls into place soon.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Go West, Young Man...

Well, not sure if that is meant to be taken literally, but, well here I am, in California. My reason for coming here is almost arbitrary; it's somewhere new that's not New York. I can always go back, and besides, this is where fortunes are made, innit? I am taking classes at San Francisco State, applying to grad school, and just chillin out, reading, playing music, etc. Not a bad way to spend a year, even if it's a waste otherwise, I'd say. I am positioned well to visit friends in LA and Arizona, as well as to explore the West Coast in general.

The past year... Cruising around Brooklyn with Lee, blasting music, goin to awesome restaurants and bars, working at Purchase with awesome people like Deirdre, Matthias, Pete, Brenda, Donna, Bryan, Adrian, Yohei, etc, getting crazy with Hanna, partying with my Puchase friends in Williamsburg, chillin with Jamie, showing Gina around NYC, going to conferences with Sam. Watching movies and drinking with Melissa. Just existing in Pisciotta with our big group of friends, going to the beach and chilling on the stairs. The beach house in North Carolina, shooting stars, Caitlin, Rachel, and Meghan, their Uncles and extended family, drinking in the hot tub. I had a great fucking year. But it flew by, and I’m trying out San Francisco now. The year’s fly by, so why not let one fly by in a different scene.

I think I may even try out some modeling and what not. Worth a try, eh?

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Today will be my 7th day in SF, and so far as I have two job offers, a few more I’m waiting on, and a bunch of numbers to call re: apartments.

I’m getting sick of the crack heads in this neighborhood though. Dudes across the street selling, watching people smoke out of their little glass pipes right on the street, scrapping together $5 for another rock. Just, tiring. I guess I need to get used to it. People smoke alot of grass out here too, it's almost like Amsterdam. But Time to get back to work...