thenewobjective@gmail.com
I'm sorry I'm leaving
Wow. Where has my life gone? Since Lexy and I broke up, I've made lots of new friends, been going out frequently, and generally enjoying my life. I'm happy in New York, imagine that. Work is almost over, and I leave for a two month trip around Europe in 2 weeks. As excited as I am about going away, I will miss it here. I have good things going on. I can't get stuck here. Would it be so bad? No, not really, but I want to experience other places. I realize how much of my discontent was created by myself now though, but I'd still like nicer weather. I got accepted to a job in China. I am waiting to here about some others, but I still cannot decide. I can't get that excited about leaving here when I'm so content. I can't really see myself in China. I don't know. It feel like things are too perfect right now, and whatever I do, it's all going to fall apart soon anyway. I'm going to miss alot of people. I already do.
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This is from two weeks ago:
I just saw On the Might of Princes play their last date of their reunion show. I'm pretty sure they'll play more shows again one day, but maybe not. It was fantastic. I can still feel my heart beating. Even though I always feel somewhat on the outside seeing them play, it is an amazing thing to behold. The LI community is so tight and despite all the bullshit, there is still something to be said for community.
I feel old for feeling so nostalgic. But I'm glad I can feel nostalgic for the past. Senior year of high school and freshman year of college were an amazing time, again despite all the bullshit. Going to shows, hanging out with groups of friends. Yea the music was arbitrary and mostly meaningless, but that didn't matter. Going to shows was like going to church. Most of the time, neither are genuine religious/spiritual experiences, but their is still some kinda geist there, something that draws us together and makes us a community. I guess they are, or can be, Dionysian. A group of friends, screaming/singing these words together, abandoning, or at least suspending the usual social norms. yea, it's temporary, but ultimately everything is. While you're in that moment, it doesn't matter. That's what I missed.
After I started dating Lexy, things started to shift focus. My meaning became centered on us, and not on a community of friends. They are very different things. Being part of a community is a sort of humbling thing, in that we are only one of many. In a relationship we get focused on exalting the other person above others, and likewise being exalted by them. That's why trust is so important, and why cheating is such a terrible thing, because it insult the foundation, the very reason for existing, of a relationship. Point is, I got too wrapped up in my relationship with Lexy, I think, and drifted away from communities. I want a community again, but I don't think it can or should be what it was.
I really love shows sometimes though. I complete abandon of being in the crowd, pushing, dancing, screaming, singing along. For a long time, it's been one of my only true releases, if only occasionally. Time to find a new one. If I can just force myself to dance more...
Speaking of which, I went to a dance club in NYC last night, a debaucherous little club called Luke and Lerory's, on sat night, the rated-x panty party. It was pretty crazy. hopefully I can learn to dance without needing to be intoxicated. This relates back to what I was saying about Lex and community, by the way. Since Lex and I were together almost four years (I met her right before my 19th birthday) I haven't really been single as an 'adult,' if I am even such a thing now. I realized last night that I need to learn how to talk to girls and socialize properly, as I've been somewhat out of practice, and there are clearly unspoken rules and rituals for picking up girls in bars that have escaped my attention. I think I was a little too drunk last night ( i tried to play catch up and ended up getting too far ahead, plus those girls were'nt even drinking anyway) but still, I think I did alright considering.
*********
This is from two weeks ago:
I just saw On the Might of Princes play their last date of their reunion show. I'm pretty sure they'll play more shows again one day, but maybe not. It was fantastic. I can still feel my heart beating. Even though I always feel somewhat on the outside seeing them play, it is an amazing thing to behold. The LI community is so tight and despite all the bullshit, there is still something to be said for community.
I feel old for feeling so nostalgic. But I'm glad I can feel nostalgic for the past. Senior year of high school and freshman year of college were an amazing time, again despite all the bullshit. Going to shows, hanging out with groups of friends. Yea the music was arbitrary and mostly meaningless, but that didn't matter. Going to shows was like going to church. Most of the time, neither are genuine religious/spiritual experiences, but their is still some kinda geist there, something that draws us together and makes us a community. I guess they are, or can be, Dionysian. A group of friends, screaming/singing these words together, abandoning, or at least suspending the usual social norms. yea, it's temporary, but ultimately everything is. While you're in that moment, it doesn't matter. That's what I missed.
After I started dating Lexy, things started to shift focus. My meaning became centered on us, and not on a community of friends. They are very different things. Being part of a community is a sort of humbling thing, in that we are only one of many. In a relationship we get focused on exalting the other person above others, and likewise being exalted by them. That's why trust is so important, and why cheating is such a terrible thing, because it insult the foundation, the very reason for existing, of a relationship. Point is, I got too wrapped up in my relationship with Lexy, I think, and drifted away from communities. I want a community again, but I don't think it can or should be what it was.
I really love shows sometimes though. I complete abandon of being in the crowd, pushing, dancing, screaming, singing along. For a long time, it's been one of my only true releases, if only occasionally. Time to find a new one. If I can just force myself to dance more...
Speaking of which, I went to a dance club in NYC last night, a debaucherous little club called Luke and Lerory's, on sat night, the rated-x panty party. It was pretty crazy. hopefully I can learn to dance without needing to be intoxicated. This relates back to what I was saying about Lex and community, by the way. Since Lex and I were together almost four years (I met her right before my 19th birthday) I haven't really been single as an 'adult,' if I am even such a thing now. I realized last night that I need to learn how to talk to girls and socialize properly, as I've been somewhat out of practice, and there are clearly unspoken rules and rituals for picking up girls in bars that have escaped my attention. I think I was a little too drunk last night ( i tried to play catch up and ended up getting too far ahead, plus those girls were'nt even drinking anyway) but still, I think I did alright considering.
posted by tno at 21:13
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